whoa.....thats deep

Intentional indifference....a viscious cycle of success succombing to curioiusity. I've got a good job, a great job in fact. Why then, would I start clouding my mind with thoughts of extreme change so prematurely? And now an even bigger question....why won't i let it? Security, thats why. I love how William Shedd puts it. "A ship is safe in harbor, but that’s not what ships are for. " I remember when i was little, being absolutely terrified of the dark. I always found it mind-boggling how a cute little teddy bear can morph into a gargantuent, teeth-baring, beast. But no matter how scared i would get, there was something about hiding underneath my blankets that made everything safe. Cause really, what fearism creature would DARE pull back the covers....
Thats how I often feel now. Secure in my safe haven, underneath my blankets. Overtime it becomes intoxicating, and im left feeling uncomfortable and alone. All i have to do is pull back the covers and take in a deep breath of new fresh air. But why is this such a difficult thing to do? Seeing the situation, in every sense of it, it seems silly not to pull back the covers. But then, if you do, your left staring into a dark abiss, almost more terrifying than exciting.
You can call me a wimp. But i like to think of myself as a risk taker. I've done my fair share of spontaneous leaps of faith. But there are times when i seriously have to question my motives. Is there such a thing as the right time when it come to indecisive career planning? And where do you draw the line between selfish and selfless ambition, when material gain holds no merit? I understand how small of a pothole this is in my life, but i really don't want to get stuck in it. Do i go along for the ride, which is working for me right now, or do i get off and go thrill seeking? Now im getting carried away in metaphors, and probably making little or no sense at all. And being undeniably cheesy in every way, i know. But when i get down to the bare essentials, its a habit.
Perhaps this is a selfish persuit of something non-existant. Like high school relationships. The first boy you ever date always seems to be a great one. Perfect in every way. But you haven't experienced anything different. Maybe what you think is great for you now is merely scraping the surface of what greatness really is. Then you dump him, date another guy, and realize that the first was so much better. Like the "the grass is greener on the other side" syndrome. I always figured this statement to be selfish.....until it applies to you. And now it would seem im a hypocrite.
Don't jump to conclusions now, my discrepincy is not rooted in relationships. Im quite twitterpaited over my man Jay.
I just feel that life is all about searching for purpose. And just when we find it, when we utilize it for all its worth, it keeps going, its annoying that way, and quite often a tiresome persuit of fufillment. (I want to use the word fullfillment lightly because many aspects of life can account for such a thing). The truth is, we will always persue purpose. It can take on many forms. And its great when we attain it, and use it the way God intended. But wait, im not done with you yet. Get out of your comfort zone.....because i've got something else up my sleeve.
Just like hide and seek. You search everywhere for your goal, to find what you seek. And once you find it, you feel so accomplished. Until the game starts again. And now im back to where i started

counting

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